"We've talked about getting couples therapy for two years," my client said. "But we kept putting it off. Then last month we had the same argument we've had a hundred times, and I thought: if we don't get help now, we're not going to make it."

They came to therapy. Six months later, they're not just still together—they're genuinely enjoying each other again.

Relationship counselling doesn't save every relationship, and it's not a magic fix. But for couples willing to engage honestly, it can transform destructive patterns, rebuild connection, and create a relationship that actually works for both people.

This guide explains when relationship counselling helps, what it involves, how to know if it's right for you, and how to find the right therapist.

What Is Relationship Counselling?

Relationship counselling (also called couples therapy or marriage counselling) involves working with a trained therapist to improve your relationship.

What It Addresses

Communication breakdown: Constant misunderstandings, defensiveness, shutdowns
Conflict patterns: The same arguments repeating endlessly
Trust issues: Infidelity, lies, betrayal
Emotional disconnection: Feeling like roommates rather than partners
Life transitions: Parenthood, career changes, illness, loss
Sexual difficulties: Mismatched desire, intimacy problems
External stressors: Money, in-laws, work pressure affecting the relationship

What It Doesn't Do

Relationship counselling won't:

Force you to stay together (the goal is clarity and health, not preservation at all costs)
Take sides (the therapist works with the relationship system, not individuals)
Provide quick fixes (meaningful change takes time and effort)
Work if one person refuses to engage honestly

When Should You Consider Relationship Counselling?

Clear Signs It's Time

1. The same arguments repeat endlessly

You're stuck in loops. Every disagreement follows the same script. Nothing resolves.

2. Communication has broken down

You can't talk without it escalating into a fight
One or both of you has stopped trying
Important things go unsaid
You're walking on eggshells

3. There's been a betrayal

Infidelity, significant lies, or broken trust that you can't move past alone.

4. You're living parallel lives

You coexist but don't connect. Conversations are logistical ("What time will you be home?") not emotional.

5. Constant criticism and contempt

Research by John Gottman identifies contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery) as one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.

6. You're considering separation

Before ending it, therapy can help you either repair the relationship or separate more consciously and kindly.

7. Life transitions are straining the relationship

Becoming parents, job loss, illness, grief, moving—major changes expose cracks.

8. One person is unhappy but the other doesn't understand why

There's a disconnect in how you each experience the relationship.

You Don't Have to Wait for Crisis

A common misconception: you only go to therapy when things are terrible.

Actually, therapy works best before patterns become entrenched. If you're noticing early warning signs—feeling distant, arguing more, less sex, growing resentment—getting support now prevents bigger problems later.

Think of it like car maintenance. You don't wait until the engine explodes; you service it when you notice something's off.

Does Relationship Counselling Work?

What the Research Shows

Studies indicate:

70% of couples report improvement after therapy
50% report significant improvement in relationship satisfaction
Couples who attend therapy early (before problems become severe) have better outcomes
Improvement rates are similar for married and unmarried couples

When It Works Best

Relationship counselling is most effective when:

Both people genuinely want the relationship to improve (even if they're unsure how)
Both are willing to look at their own contribution to problems (not just blame the other)
There's still some positive feeling (affection, respect, friendship) beneath the conflict
Both people attend regularly and engage honestly
The therapist is skilled and the couple feels safe with them

When It's Less Likely to Work

Therapy struggles when:

One person is already checked out and attending to appease the other
There's active, ongoing abuse (individual safety takes priority)
One person refuses to acknowledge any problems
Severe untreated mental health issues or active addiction dominate
One person has decided to leave and is using therapy to ease guilt

Even in these cases, therapy can still offer value—helping people separate more consciously, process grief, or establish boundaries.

What Happens in Relationship Counselling?

First Session: Assessment

Your therapist will want to understand:

The relationship history:

How you met
What attracted you to each other
Patterns over time

Current difficulties:

What's not working
When problems started
Impact on daily life

Each person's perspective:

How you each experience the relationship
What you each need
Goals for therapy

Strengths:

What still works
Positive memories
Shared values

The therapist is assessing:

Whether they can help
What approach might work
Whether there are safety concerns

Ongoing Sessions: The Work

Sessions typically last 50-75 minutes (longer than individual therapy because there are two people).

Common elements:

1. Exploring patterns

Your therapist helps you see recurring dynamics:

"When you criticise, he withdraws. When he withdraws, you criticise more."
"You both want connection but you're speaking different languages."

2. Improving communication

Learning to:

Express needs without blame
Listen without defensiveness
Repair after conflict
Name feelings clearly

3. Processing past hurts

Creating space for pain to be heard and acknowledged—often the first step toward healing.

4. Experiential exercises

Some therapists use structured conversations or exercises in session (e.g., Emotionally Focused Therapy techniques).

5. Homework

Between sessions, you might:

Practice new communication skills
Schedule quality time
Try specific experiments

How Long Does It Take?

Short-term focused work: 8-12 sessions for specific issues (improving communication, processing infidelity)

Moderate difficulties: 6-9 months for entrenched patterns

Complex, long-standing problems: 12+ months

Some couples continue intermittently as relationship maintenance—checking in every few months.

Different Approaches to Relationship Counselling

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Focus: Attachment and emotional connection

Core idea: Relationship distress comes from emotional disconnection. EFT helps partners identify underlying attachment needs and create secure bonding.

Good for: Couples who've lost emotional intimacy

Gottman Method

Focus: Research-based interventions targeting communication, conflict, and friendship

Core idea: Based on John Gottman's decades of research into what makes relationships succeed or fail.

Good for: Couples who want structured, evidence-based tools

Systemic/Narrative Therapy

Focus: Relationship patterns, family systems, and the stories you tell about your relationship

Core idea: Problems exist in patterns and narratives, not individuals.

Good for: Couples dealing with family-of-origin issues or rigid narratives

Integrative Humanistic Therapy

Focus: Person-centred approach emphasising empathy, authenticity, and the therapeutic relationship

Core idea: Creating a safe space where both people can be heard and understood.

Good for: Couples needing non-judgmental exploration

Most relationship therapists draw from multiple approaches depending on what you need.

Individual Therapy vs Relationship Counselling

Sometimes it's unclear whether you need individual therapy, couples therapy, or both.

Choose Relationship Counselling When:

The primary issue is between you (communication, conflict, disconnection)
You want to improve the relationship together
You're deciding whether to stay or leave and want support navigating that

Choose Individual Therapy When:

You're dealing with personal issues (trauma, depression, anxiety) that predate or exist independently of the relationship
You need to process your own feelings before engaging in couples work
There's abuse (victims of abuse need individual support, not couples therapy)

Both Can Work Together

Some couples do both:

Relationship counselling to address the partnership
Individual therapy for each person's personal work

This can be powerful but requires coordination (ideally, therapists communicate with consent).

What About Infidelity?

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy—and one of the most painful.

Can Therapy Help After Cheating?

Yes, but it requires:

From the person who cheated:

Full disclosure (no more lies or trickle truth)
Genuine remorse and accountability
Willingness to rebuild trust through consistent action
Understanding the impact of their choices

From the betrayed partner:

Willingness to eventually move toward forgiveness (not immediately, but as a possibility)
Ability to express pain without indefinite punishment
Openness to understanding contributing factors (not excusing the affair, but understanding context)

From both:

Commitment to honesty
Patience (rebuilding trust takes 1-2 years minimum)
Willingness to examine the relationship honestly

Therapy helps by:

Creating a safe space to process pain
Facilitating difficult conversations
Addressing underlying relationship issues
Rebuilding trust gradually
Deciding whether to continue or separate

Not all relationships survive infidelity, but many do—and can even become stronger through the repair process.

Finding a Relationship Counsellor in London

Where to Look

BACP Directory (www.bacp.co.uk) Filter for:

Location: London
Specialism: Couples/Relationships
Approach: Depending on preference (EFT, Gottman, Integrative)

Tavistock Relationships Specialist organisation offering relationship therapy (NHS and private options).

Relate Long-established charity offering affordable couples counselling across London.

UKCP Directory (www.psychotherapy.org.uk) Psychotherapists with relationship specialisms.

What to Look For

Essential:

BACP, UKCP, or COSRT registered
Specific training in couples work (not all therapists are trained in relationship therapy)
Experience with your specific issue (infidelity, parenting, etc.)

Desirable:

Positive reviews or recommendations
Clear explanation of their approach
Convenient location or online option

Questions to Ask

About their approach:

"What's your training in couples therapy?"
"How do you typically work with relationships?"
"What's your experience with [your specific issue]?"

About logistics:

"Do you see couples in person, online, or both?"
"What's your fee?" (London rates: £90-£180 per session)
"What's your availability?"

About fit:

"How do you decide if you're the right therapist for us?"
"What happens if one of us wants individual sessions?"

Initial Consultation

Many therapists offer a free 20-minute call. Use this to:

Assess whether you feel comfortable
Clarify their approach
Ask practical questions

If it doesn't feel right, keep looking. Therapeutic fit matters enormously.

Common Concerns About Relationship Counselling

"What if the therapist takes sides?"

Good relationship therapists don't take sides. They work with the relationship system, not individuals. If you feel your therapist is biased, raise it—or find someone else.

"What if therapy makes things worse?"

Early sessions can feel difficult as buried issues surface. This often gets worse before it gets better. Trust the process, but if it feels actively harmful, discuss with your therapist.

"What if my partner won't go?"

Try:

Explaining why it matters to you without blame
Suggesting a trial period (e.g., "Let's try 4 sessions")
Offering to find a therapist together

If they still refuse, consider individual therapy for yourself. Sometimes one person changing shifts the whole system.

"What if we realise we should separate?"

Sometimes therapy clarifies that ending the relationship is healthiest. This isn't failure—it's valuable insight. Therapy can help you separate consciously and kindly.

"Can we afford it?"

Options if cost is prohibitive:

Relate: Sliding scale, from £20 per session
Tavistock Relationships: Concessionary rates available
NHS services: Limited but sometimes available via GP referral
Training organisations: Reduced rates with trainee therapists
Fortnightly sessions: Cuts cost in half whilst maintaining momentum

Relationship Counselling Success Stories (and Failures)

When It Works

I've seen couples:

Rebuild after devastating betrayal
Learn to communicate after years of silent resentment
Rediscover friendship and intimacy they thought was gone
Navigate parenthood without losing themselves
Break destructive cycles learned from their own families

The common thread: willingness. Both people had to genuinely want change and be willing to look at themselves honestly.

When It Doesn't

I've also seen couples where:

One person was already gone emotionally and going through the motions
Both were so entrenched in blame that they couldn't hear each other
Abuse dynamics made therapy unsafe
External stressors (addiction, severe mental illness) needed addressing first

In these cases, therapy sometimes helped people separate more consciously, which is still valuable.

Final Thoughts: Is Relationship Counselling Right for You?

Ask yourself:

1. Do you both want the relationship to improve? (Even if you're unsure how, wanting it to work is enough.)

2. Are you willing to look at your own contribution to problems? (Not just focus on what your partner does wrong.)

3. Is there still something worth saving? (Affection, respect, shared history, commitment—something positive beneath the conflict.)

If the answer to these is yes, relationship counselling can help.

If you're unsure, try a few sessions. You'll gain clarity either way.

Relationships are complex. They're not supposed to be easy all the time. Seeking help isn't admitting failure—it's demonstrating commitment.

If you're in London and looking for relationship counselling, I offer couples therapy using an integrative, humanistic approach. I work both in-person in Fulham and online. The goal isn't to force you to stay together—it's to help you understand each other more deeply and decide together what's healthiest.

The relationships that thrive aren't the ones without conflict—they're the ones where both people keep choosing each other and doing the work.

The Complete Guide to Relationship Counselling: When, Why, and How It Works