The email arrived at 4:47pm on a Friday. After weeks of interviews and hopeful waiting, three sentences delivered the news: they'd gone with another candidate. Thank you for your interest. Best wishes for the future.

Maya didn't cry at first. She didn't do anything, really—just sat staring at the screen while something inside her chest grew tighter and hotter. Then came the familiar cascade: the racing thoughts about what she'd done wrong, the crushing conviction that she'd never get where she wanted to go, the urge to call in sick Monday and not face anyone.

When she described this to me the following week, Maya said something I hear often: "I just don't know how to handle these feelings. They take over completely."

Emotional regulation—the ability to influence which emotions you have, when you have them, and how you experience and express them—is among the most crucial life skills. Yet most of us receive little explicit instruction in it. We're expected to "manage" our feelings but rarely taught how.

TL;DR: Key Takeaways

Emotional regulation isn't about suppressing emotions—it's about having more choice in how you respond
Healthy regulation involves multiple strategies applied flexibly depending on the situation
Key techniques include situation selection, attention deployment, cognitive reappraisal, and response modulation
Suppression (hiding emotions) is generally less effective than reappraisal (changing how you think about situations)
Practice builds capacity—emotional regulation is like a muscle that strengthens with use
Different strategies work better for different situations and different people

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

Let's clear up a common misconception: emotional regulation doesn't mean controlling your emotions in the sense of suppressing them or "not being emotional." That's neither possible nor desirable.

Emotions evolved to serve functions. Fear alerts you to danger. Anger signals boundary violations. Sadness facilitates processing loss. Attempting to eliminate emotions entirely would remove valuable information and motivational fuel.

Instead, emotional regulation involves:

Being aware of what you're feeling (emotional awareness)
Understanding why you're feeling it (emotional insight)
Having options for how to respond (emotional flexibility)
Choosing responses aligned with your values and goals (emotional agency)

The goal is not emotionlessness but emotional agility—the capacity to experience emotions fully while choosing how to act on them.

The Difference Between Regulation and Suppression

This distinction matters because the strategies look very different:

Suppression	Healthy Regulation
Pushing emotions away	Acknowledging emotions fully
"I'm fine" (when you're not)	"I'm struggling, but I can handle this"
Hiding feelings from others	Choosing when and how to express feelings
Internal pressure builds	Emotions are processed and move through
Increases physiological stress	Reduces physiological stress
Associated with worse mental health	Associated with better mental health

Research consistently shows that habitual suppression—chronically pushing emotions down—is associated with increased anxiety, depression, and physical health problems. The emotions don't disappear; they go underground and emerge in other ways.

Effective regulation, by contrast, involves engaging with emotions and making choices about how to respond—which is quite different from pretending they don't exist.

The Process Model of Emotion Regulation

Psychologist James Gross developed an influential framework identifying five points where you can regulate emotions. Understanding these gives you more options:

1. Situation Selection

You can often choose which situations you enter or avoid. This is regulation at the earliest stage—before emotions even arise.

Example: Knowing that certain news programmes increase your anxiety, you might choose not to watch them before bed.

When it's useful: When a situation reliably triggers difficult emotions and avoidance doesn't create bigger problems.

Caution: Over-relying on avoidance can shrink your life. Avoiding all anxiety-provoking situations prevents you from learning you can cope.

2. Situation Modification

Once in a situation, you can sometimes change it to alter its emotional impact.

Example: At a party where you feel overwhelmed, you might step outside briefly, find a quieter corner, or focus conversation on one person rather than the group.

When it's useful: When small adjustments can make a significant difference to how you feel.

Caution: Not all situations can be modified. Trying to control everything becomes exhausting and counterproductive.

3. Attentional Deployment

You can direct attention toward or away from different aspects of a situation.

Distraction: Deliberately focusing attention on something other than the emotional trigger. Useful for intense emotions you can't currently process.

Concentration: Focusing more deeply on the present moment (mindfulness) rather than past or future.

Rumination's trap: Repeatedly focusing attention on distressing aspects without resolution—this worsens rather than helps.

Example: During a difficult medical procedure, focusing intently on your breathing rather than the sensations.

4. Cognitive Reappraisal

This involves changing how you think about a situation to alter its emotional impact. It's one of the most researched and effective regulation strategies.

Example: Reframing a job rejection from "I'm a failure" to "This wasn't the right fit, and I learned useful things from the process."

When it's useful: When your emotional reaction is being amplified by unhelpful interpretations. Works best before emotions become too intense.

Why it works: Emotions follow thoughts. Change the thought, and the emotion often follows.

5. Response Modulation

Once an emotion is fully present, you can influence how you express or experience it.

Relaxation techniques: Calming the physiological arousal that accompanies emotions.

Exercise: Using physical activity to metabolise stress hormones.

Expression: Talking about feelings, writing, creative outlets.

Suppression: Inhibiting emotional expression (generally least effective long-term).

Practical Techniques for Daily Life

Theory is useful, but what do you actually do when difficult emotions arise? Here's a toolkit of evidence-based techniques:

Grounding Techniques

When emotions feel overwhelming, grounding brings you back to the present moment and your physical reality. This is particularly useful for anxiety, panic, and dissociation.

5-4-3-2-1 Technique:

Name 5 things you can see
Name 4 things you can physically feel
Name 3 things you can hear
Name 2 things you can smell
Name 1 thing you can taste

Physical grounding:

Feel your feet on the floor, pressing down
Hold something cold (ice cube, cold water on wrists)
Notice the texture of what you're sitting on
Splash cold water on your face

Mental grounding:

Count backwards from 100 by 7s
Name all the counties you can think of
Describe in detail how to do a familiar task

Breathing Techniques

Slow, controlled breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the "rest and digest" mode that counteracts stress.

Extended exhale breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6-8 counts. The longer exhale triggers the relaxation response.

Box breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat. Used by military and first responders for high-stress situations.

Physiological sigh: Two short inhales through the nose, followed by a long exhale through the mouth. Research suggests this is the fastest way to reduce acute stress.

Cognitive Reappraisal in Practice

Reappraisal involves finding alternative ways to think about a situation. It's not about toxic positivity or denying reality—it's about considering multiple perspectives.

Steps:

Notice the thought triggering the emotion
Ask: Is this thought definitely true? What evidence supports it? What evidence contradicts it?
Consider alternative interpretations
Choose a more balanced or helpful perspective

Helpful questions:

What would I tell a friend in this situation?
How might I view this in a year? Five years?
What's another way to look at this?
Am I jumping to the worst conclusion?
Is there something I can learn from this?

Example reframes:

Original Thought	Reappraised Thought
"I can't cope with this"	"This is hard, but I've coped with hard things before"
"They're judging me"	"I don't know what they're thinking—that's my assumption"
"Everything is falling apart"	"Some things are difficult right now, not everything"
"I should be able to handle this better"	"I'm human and struggling. That's allowed"

RAIN: A Mindful Approach

RAIN, developed by meditation teacher Michele McDonald, offers a structured way to work with difficult emotions:

R - Recognise: Notice what you're feeling. Name it: "This is anger" or "I'm feeling anxious."

A - Allow: Let the feeling be present without immediately trying to change it. Say internally: "This is here. I don't have to fight it."

I - Investigate: Get curious about the feeling. Where is it in your body? What thoughts accompany it? What triggered it? What does it need?

N - Nurture: Offer yourself compassion. What would you say to a friend feeling this way? Can you say that to yourself?

The nurture step is essentially self-compassion in action—bringing kindness to your emotional experience rather than judgment.

Opposite Action

From Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), opposite action involves deliberately doing the opposite of what an emotion urges you to do—when that urge isn't serving you.

Examples:

Anxiety urges avoidance → Approach (gently, in manageable steps)
Depression urges isolation → Reach out, be around people
Anger urges attack → Step back, speak calmly, or leave
Shame urges hiding → Share with someone safe

This doesn't mean ignoring emotional signals—sometimes avoidance or withdrawal is appropriate. But when the urge isn't helping, acting opposite can shift the emotional state itself.

Distress Tolerance Skills

Sometimes emotions are so intense that in-the-moment regulation isn't possible. Distress tolerance is about surviving the crisis without making things worse.

TIPP (for acute distress):

Temperature: Splash cold water on your face, hold ice
Intense exercise: Even 5-10 minutes of vigourous movement
Paced breathing: Slow exhales to calm the nervous system
Paired muscle relaxation: Tense then release muscle groups

Self-soothing (engaging the senses):

Vision: Look at something beautiful
Sound: Listen to calming music
Smell: Use a comforting scent
Taste: Savour something pleasant (tea, chocolate)
Touch: Soft blanket, warm bath, gentle self-massage

STOP:

Stop. Don't react immediately
Take a breath
Observe. What's happening? What are you feeling?
Proceed mindfully. Choose your response

Building Long-Term Emotional Capacity

These techniques help in moments of difficulty. But sustainable emotional regulation also involves building overall capacity:

Regular Practice

Like physical fitness, emotional regulation improves with consistent practice—not just during crises.

Daily mindfulness: Even 5-10 minutes builds awareness and regulatory capacity
Journaling: Regular emotional processing prevents buildup
Self-reflection: Noticing patterns in what triggers you and what helps

Physical Foundations

Your emotional regulation capacity depends on physical states:

Sleep: Sleep deprivation dramatically impairs emotional regulation. Our guide on sleep and mental health explores this crucial connection in depth.
Nutrition: Blood sugar swings affect emotional stability
Exercise: Regular movement helps metabolise stress and builds resilience
Substances: Alcohol impairs regulation; caffeine can increase anxiety

Social Support

Humans are social regulators. We co-regulate emotions through connection:

Talking to trusted others about feelings
Physical comfort (hugs, holding hands)
Simply being in the presence of calm, supportive people

Isolation makes regulation harder. Connection makes it easier.

Understanding Your Patterns

Notice what tends to trigger strong emotions for you. Notice which strategies work and which don't. This self-knowledge lets you intervene earlier and more effectively.

Keep a log for a few weeks: What happened? What did you feel? What did you do? What helped? What didn't?

When Regulation Feels Impossible

Some situations make regulation genuinely harder:

Trauma history: Trauma can dysregulate the nervous system, making it harder to calm down and easier to be triggered. Trauma-informed approaches often focus on building regulation capacity before processing difficult memories. Our article on understanding PTSD and complex trauma explores this further.

Overwhelmed nervous system: When stress accumulates, capacity decreases. You're not failing at regulation—you're depleted.

Certain mental health conditions: Conditions like borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and ADHD can involve regulation difficulties as core features.

Developmental experiences: If you didn't learn regulation skills in childhood (often because caregivers couldn't model or teach them), you're starting from a harder place.

None of this means regulation is impossible—just that it may require more support, practice, and self-compassion than for someone without these challenges.

How Therapy Helps

Therapy offers several things that support emotional regulation:

Co-regulation: The therapist's calm presence helps regulate your nervous system, creating a foundation for doing emotional work.

A safe container: A space to experience and express emotions without fear of overwhelming others or facing negative consequences.

Pattern identification: Recognising recurring triggers, reactions, and strategies that aren't serving you.

Skill building: Learning and practicing specific regulation techniques with support.

Root cause exploration: Understanding why certain emotions are so strong—often connecting to earlier experiences—can reduce their power.

Secure base: Regular therapy provides a stabilising relationship that improves overall emotional capacity.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it unhealthy to cry?

Not at all. Crying is a natural emotional release that can help process feelings. Research suggests crying with support (someone present) tends to be more helpful than crying alone. The goal isn't to never cry—it's to have choice about when and where emotional expression happens.

How do I know if I'm suppressing or regulating?

Suppression involves pushing emotions away, pretending they don't exist, or never allowing yourself to feel them. Regulation involves acknowledging emotions fully, then choosing how to respond. If you're aware of what you're feeling and making conscious choices, that's regulation. If you're numb, disconnected, or "fine" all the time, you might be suppressing.

What if I can't identify what I'm feeling?

This is common, especially if emotional expression wasn't encouraged growing up. Start simply: Are you feeling pleasant or unpleasant? High energy or low energy? Build vocabulary gradually. Emotion wheels (available online) can help you name feelings more precisely. Body awareness also helps—where in your body do you feel the emotion?

Are some emotions "bad"?

No emotion is inherently bad. All emotions carry information and serve functions. Anger signals boundary violation. Fear signals threat. Sadness signals loss. Even envy can signal unmet needs. The question isn't whether an emotion is bad but whether your response to it serves you.

Can you over-regulate emotions?

Yes. Chronic over-control of emotions—being excessively careful about emotional expression, avoiding situations that might trigger feelings—is associated with problems. The goal is flexible regulation, not rigid control. Sometimes letting emotions flow freely is exactly right.

Moving Forward

Maya, the client from the beginning, gradually built her regulation toolkit. She learned to catch the cascade earlier—noticing the first tightening in her chest before the thoughts spiralled. She practiced reappraisal, finding more balanced perspectives on setbacks. She built in physical practices that kept her baseline calmer.

The rejection still hurt. It was meant to—disappointment is a natural response to losing something you wanted. But she didn't lose the weekend to it anymore. She could feel the disappointment, process it, and move forward more quickly.

"I used to think emotional people were weak," she reflected. "Now I think the strength is in feeling it fully and choosing what to do next."

If you struggle with emotional regulation, please know that it's a skill that can be learned. Whatever you learned or didn't learn growing up, your brain remains plastic. With practice and support, you can develop greater emotional agility.

Ready to Build Your Emotional Skills?

Our integrative counselling approach helps you understand your emotional patterns, develop practical regulation skills, and address underlying factors that make regulation difficult. We provide a safe space to experience and process emotions while building the capacity to navigate them in daily life.

Sessions are available in person in Fulham (SW6) or online across the UK. Book a free 15-minute consultation to discuss how therapy might help you develop emotional mastery.

If you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please contact Samaritans immediately on 116 123, available 24/7.

Emotional Regulation: Practical Techniques Beyond Mindfulness