Therapy for Relationship Problems: Why Individual Counselling Often Works Better

"My partner won't come to couples therapy," she said, sitting in my office looking defeated. "I guess there's no point trying on my own."

I hear this often. People assume that relationship problems require couples therapy—both people in the room, working on it together. And whilst couples therapy absolutely has its place, individual therapy for relationship issues is not only possible, it's often more effective.

Here's why: you can only change yourself. You can't make your partner change, communicate better, or suddenly become more emotionally available. But when you change how you show up in the relationship—your patterns, boundaries, communication, expectations—the relationship dynamic shifts.

Sometimes dramatically.

This article explores how individual therapy helps with relationship problems, what you can work on alone, and when couples therapy is genuinely necessary.

Why Relationship Problems Often Need Individual Work

The Pattern You Bring

Relationship difficulties are rarely just about the current partner or relationship. They're usually connected to:

Early attachment patterns:

• How your parents related to you and each other
• What you learned about love, safety, and intimacy
• Whether needs were met or dismissed

Previous relationship experiences:

• Past hurts and betrayals
• What you learned to tolerate or expect
• Patterns you developed for self-protection

Your internal world:

• Self-esteem and self-worth
• Fear of abandonment or engulfment
• How you regulate emotions
• Your communication style

All of this lives inside you, not between you and your partner.

Individual therapy helps you:

• Understand your patterns
• Heal old wounds
• Develop healthier relationship skills
• Become aware of what you're bringing to relationships

The One-Person Change Dynamic

When one person in a relationship changes significantly, the relationship must change.

Example:

If you've always been a people-pleaser—saying yes when you mean no, avoiding conflict, suppressing needs—and you start setting boundaries, your partner has to adjust.

They might:

• Initially resist (uncomfortable with change)
• Eventually respect your boundaries
• Reveal themselves as unwilling to accommodate (useful information)
• Begin their own growth process

Either way, the relationship shifts.

Individual therapy empowers you to change what you can control: yourself.

When Individual Therapy Works for Relationship Problems

It's Often the Right Choice If:

1. Your partner refuses couples therapy

You can still work on yourself, understand patterns, and decide what you want.

2. The relationship issues stem largely from your patterns

If you recognise that you:

• Choose unavailable partners repeatedly
• Sabotage good relationships
• Have trust issues from past trauma
• Struggle with boundaries or communication

Individual therapy addresses root causes.

3. You need to understand yourself first

Before working on "us," you might need clarity about "me":

• What do I actually want?
• What are my non-negotiables?
• Why do I keep ending up here?
• Am I staying for the right reasons?

4. You're in an abusive relationship

Couples therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationships because:

• It can escalate danger
• Abusive partners manipulate therapy
• The issue isn't "communication"—it's power and control

Individual therapy helps you:

• Recognise abuse
• Build safety
• Plan next steps
• Heal from trauma

5. You want to decide whether to stay or leave

Therapy provides space to explore:

• Is this relationship healthy?
• Can it improve?
• What am I tolerating that I shouldn't?
• What would leaving look like?

Your partner doesn't need to be present for this exploration.

6. You're single but keep repeating relationship patterns

If your relationships keep ending the same way—you attract emotionally unavailable people, get bored and leave, feel suffocated, etc.—individual therapy helps break the cycle before the next relationship.

What You Can Work On Alone

Understanding Your Patterns

Common relationship patterns explored in individual therapy:

Anxious attachment:

• Fear of abandonment
• Need for constant reassurance
• Becoming clingy or demanding when insecure

Avoidant attachment:

• Uncomfortable with closeness
• Pulling away when things get intimate
• Prioritising independence over connection

People-pleasing:

• Difficulty saying no
• Over-giving at your own expense
• Avoiding conflict

Choosing unavailable partners:

• Attracted to people who can't fully commit
• Unconsciously recreating familiar (but painful) dynamics

Self-sabotage:

• Pushing people away when they get close
• Creating conflict when things are going well
• Leaving relationships before being left

Therapy helps you see these patterns clearly and understand where they came from.

Healing Past Wounds

Relationship problems often have roots in:

• Childhood experiences
• Past heartbreak
• Trauma or betrayal
• Grief and loss

Individual therapy provides space to:

• Process unresolved emotions
• Grieve what you didn't receive
• Heal wounds that keep getting triggered
• Build different internal models of relationships

Developing Relationship Skills

Communication:

• Expressing needs clearly
• Listening without defensiveness
• Managing conflict constructively
• Asking for what you want

Boundaries:

• Recognising your limits
• Saying no without guilt
• Protecting your needs
• Respecting others' boundaries

Emotional regulation:

• Managing intense emotions
• Not reacting impulsively
• Staying present in difficult conversations
• Self-soothing

Self-awareness:

• Noticing your triggers
• Understanding your needs
• Recognising when you're projecting
• Taking responsibility

These skills transform how you show up in relationships.

Deciding What You Want

Therapy helps clarify:

• What kind of relationship do I actually want?
• What am I willing to compromise on? What am I not?
• What are my non-negotiables?
• Is this relationship aligned with my values?
• Am I staying out of love or fear?

Sometimes this clarity leads to recommitment. Sometimes it leads to leaving. Both are valid.

How It Works in Practice

Case Example: Emma (not real name)

Emma came to therapy describing her partner as "emotionally distant." They'd been together five years. She felt lonely, unseen, constantly trying to get him to open up.

In therapy, we explored:

• Her childhood (father who was physically present but emotionally absent)
• Her pattern of choosing unavailable men
• How she'd learned to tolerate emotional neglect
• Her fear that asking for more would drive people away

Over months, Emma:

• Recognised she'd unconsciously chosen someone familiar (unavailable, like her father)
• Built confidence that her needs were reasonable
• Started clearly expressing what she needed
• Stopped chasing and started observing

Her partner responded in two ways:

1. Initially, he pulled back further (uncomfortable with change)
2. Eventually, he started asking her about therapy and expressed interest in his own work

Their relationship shifted. Not perfect, but significantly better. Because Emma changed how she showed up.

Case Example: Michael (not real name)

Michael described his girlfriend as "too needy." She wanted constant contact, got anxious when he needed space, accused him of not caring.

In therapy, we explored:

• His discomfort with emotional intimacy
• How he distanced when people got close
• His mother's intrusiveness growing up
• How he equated closeness with loss of self

Michael realised:

• His girlfriend wasn't unusually needy—he was unusually avoidant
• His need for excessive space was a protection mechanism
• He could maintain boundaries without complete withdrawal
• Intimacy didn't mean losing himself

As he became more comfortable with closeness, his girlfriend's anxiety decreased. She wasn't inherently anxious—she was responding to his distance.

Both these examples show: when one person does deep individual work, relationships shift.

When You Do Need Couples Therapy

Individual therapy isn't always enough. Consider couples therapy if:

Both willing to work on it: If both people want to improve the relationship, couples therapy provides space to:

• Improve communication
• Work through specific issues
• Learn conflict resolution
• Rebuild trust after betrayal

Communication has completely broken down: If you can't have conversations without escalating into arguments, a couples therapist mediates and teaches new skills.

Specific relational trauma:

• After infidelity
• After a major betrayal of trust
• Rebuilding intimacy after trauma
• Navigating major life transitions together

You've both done individual work: Sometimes couples therapy works best after both people have done individual therapy first.

You Can Do Both

It's not either/or. Many people do:

• Individual therapy for personal patterns
• Couples therapy for relational dynamics

This combination is often most effective.

What to Expect in Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

Early Sessions

Your therapist will likely:

• Ask about your current relationship
• Explore relationship history (family, past partners)
• Identify patterns
• Understand your goals

Middle Sessions

You'll likely:

• Explore childhood attachment
• Process emotions about current relationship
• Identify your patterns and triggers
• Practice new communication skills
• Examine whether the relationship serves you

Ongoing Work

As therapy continues:

• You'll notice changes in how you relate
• Patterns become clearer
• You'll make conscious choices about how to respond
• Clarity emerges about what you want

How Long?

Short-term (8-12 sessions): Gain clarity, develop basic skills, make decisions

Medium-term (3-6 months): Deeper pattern work, healing old wounds, sustainable change

Long-term (6+ months): Fundamental shifts in how you relate, healing complex trauma, transforming attachment patterns

Approaches That Help

Attachment-Based Therapy

Explores early attachment patterns and helps you develop more secure relating.

Psychodynamic Therapy

Examines how past relationships (especially early ones) shape current patterns.

Person-Centred Therapy

Provides space to explore your experience without judgment, helping you clarify what you want.

Schema Therapy

Identifies and transforms deeply held beliefs about relationships formed in childhood.

Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)

Though often used in couples work, individual EFT helps you understand your emotional needs and patterns.

Integrative approaches (combining elements) are common and often most effective.

Common Questions

"Is it fair to go to therapy about my partner without them knowing?"

You're not gossiping or complaining. You're working on yourself. That's always fair.

(Though many people do tell their partner they're in therapy—it's up to you.)

"Will my therapist tell me to leave?"

No. Good therapists don't tell you what to do. They help you gain clarity so you can decide.

"Can a relationship really change if only one person is in therapy?"

Yes. Not always, but often. When you change your patterns, the dynamic must shift.

"What if I do all this work and nothing changes?"

Then you have clarity. Maybe the relationship isn't viable. Maybe your partner isn't willing to grow. That information is valuable.

"Should I tell my partner I'm in therapy?"

Your choice. Some benefits to telling them:

• Honesty and transparency
• They might become curious about their own work
• Models healthy help-seeking

Some reasons not to:

• Safety concerns
• They might feel threatened
• You need private space first

Final Thoughts

Relationship problems don't always require two people in the room. Often, they require one person willing to look honestly at their patterns, heal old wounds, and show up differently.

That person can be you.

Individual therapy for relationship issues isn't second-best. It's powerful, transformative work that changes not just one relationship, but how you relate to everyone—including yourself.

Sometimes your partner joins you on the growth journey. Sometimes they don't. Either way, you're choosing yourself. And that's always the right choice.

If you're in London and struggling with relationship patterns, I offer individual therapy using an integrative humanistic approach. We can work with attachment, communication, boundaries, and healing relational trauma.

I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation to discuss whether this approach might help.

You can reach me at 07887 376 839 or via the contact form on this website.