How to Support a Loved One Through Depression: A Practical Guide

"I just want to fix it for them."

Emma sat across from me, exhausted. Her partner of six years had been struggling with depression for eight months, and she felt helpless watching someone she loved suffer.

"I've tried everything—encouraging him to get out, suggesting activities, reminding him of things he used to enjoy. Nothing works. I feel like I'm failing him."

Here's what I told Emma, and what I wish everyone supporting someone with depression understood: You can't fix depression. But you can offer something more valuable—steady, informed, compassionate presence.

This guide will walk you through how to support someone with depression in ways that actually help, while protecting your own mental health in the process.

TL;DR: Key Takeaways

• You can't fix or cure someone's depression—but your support matters enormously
• Presence matters more than advice—often, just being there is enough
• What they need changes—be flexible and ask what's helpful
• Set boundaries to prevent burnout—you can't pour from an empty cup
• Professional help is crucial—encourage it, but you can't force it
• Take care of yourself too—supporting someone with depression is emotionally demanding

Understanding Depression First

Before we dive into practical support strategies, let's quickly establish what depression actually is (and isn't).

Depression Isn't Just Sadness

Clinical depression is a medical condition affecting brain chemistry, not a mood or choice. Key signs include:

• Persistent low mood (most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks)
• Loss of interest or pleasure in nearly all activities
• Significant changes in sleep, appetite, or weight
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Importantly: You can't "snap out of" depression any more than you can snap out of diabetes.

Different Types of Depression

Type	Characteristics	Duration
Major Depression	Severe symptoms affecting daily function	Episodes lasting weeks to months
Persistent Depressive Disorder	Lower-grade symptoms	Lasts 2+ years
Seasonal Affective Disorder	Depression triggered by seasons	Autumn/winter, improves in spring
Postnatal Depression	Onset after childbirth	Weeks to months postpartum
Bipolar Disorder	Depression alternating with mania/hypomania	Varies significantly

What TO Say and Do

1. Acknowledge Their Pain Without Trying to Fix It

Instead of: "Have you tried yoga? My friend's cousin had depression and yoga cured her."

Try: "I can see you're really struggling right now. I'm here, and I care about you."

Why it works: Depression makes people feel isolated and misunderstood. Simple acknowledgment says "I see you, and your pain is real."

Real example: One client told me the most helpful thing someone said to her during severe depression was: "I can't imagine how hard this is. But I'm not going anywhere." No advice, no fixing—just witnessed presence.

2. Ask How You Can Help (And Offer Specific Options)

Instead of: "Let me know if you need anything!" (Too vague; unlikely they'll reach out)

Try: "I'm going to the supermarket on Wednesday. Can I pick up groceries for you?" or "Would it help if I came over and we just sat together? I can bring lunch."

Why it works: Depression depletes decision-making energy. Specific, concrete offers are easier to accept than open-ended ones.

Practical support that helps:

• Grocery shopping or preparing simple meals
• Help with childcare
• Accompanying them to appointments
• Gentle company (watching TV together, going for a short walk)
• Handling practical tasks they're struggling with

[EXPERT QUOTE]

"When you're depressed, even small tasks feel monumental. Someone offering to simply be with you while you fold laundry or cook dinner—not to do it for you, but alongside you—can be profoundly helpful." — Dr. David Burns, cognitive behavioural therapy pioneer

3. Check In Regularly (Without Being Intrusive)

Instead of: Radio silence or constant messages

Try: A simple text every few days: "Thinking of you. No need to reply—just wanted you to know I care."

Why it works: It maintains connection without demanding energy they don't have. Knowing people care provides a lifeline, even when they can't respond.

4. Validate Their Experience

Instead of: "It could be worse" or "Others have it harder"

Try: "What you're going through sounds really difficult" or "It makes sense that you feel this way given what you're dealing with"

Why it works: Comparison minimises their experience and adds guilt to their existing burden. Validation says their feelings are legitimate.

5. Encourage Professional Help (Gently)

Instead of: "You really need to see someone" (can sound judgmental)

Try: "Would it help if I researched some therapists in your area?" or "My therapy has really helped me—would you like me to share how I found my therapist?"

Why it works: It removes barriers (research fatigue) and normalises professional help by sharing your own experience.

Practical ways to help:

• Research therapists and send them a shortlist
• Offer to wait in the waiting room during their first appointment
• Help with the admin (booking, filling forms)
• Discuss financial options if cost is a barrier

6. Be Patient With Their Process

Depression doesn't follow a linear path. There will be better days and worse days. Improvement isn't steady.

Helpful mindset: Think marathon, not sprint. This might take months. That's normal.

What NOT to Say or Do

1. Don't Minimise or Dismiss

Avoid:

• "It's all in your head"
• "Just think positive"
• "Others have it worse"
• "You have so much to be grateful for"
• "Have you tried exercise/meditation/vitamins?"
• "Snap out of it"

Why it's harmful: These statements, however well-intentioned, imply that depression is a choice or failing. They create shame and increase isolation.

2. Don't Take It Personally

Depression affects how people relate. They might:

• Cancel plans repeatedly
• Seem emotionally flat or unresponsive
• Not return calls or messages
• Appear ungrateful for your efforts
• Say hurtful things they don't mean

Remember: This is the illness speaking, not your relationship.

Set boundaries when needed: "I understand you're struggling, and I'm here to support you. But when you speak to me that way, it hurts. Can we take a break and reconnect later?"

3. Don't Force Activities

Avoid: "You just need to get out of the house!" [dragging them to social events]

Why it backfires: Forcing can increase feelings of inadequacy and failure. Instead, gently invite without pressure: "I'm going for a walk at 3pm. You're welcome to join, but absolutely no pressure."

4. Don't Try to "Cheer Them Up"

Toxic positivity is real. Trying to jolly someone out of depression rarely works and often makes them feel more alone.

Instead of: Forced cheerfulness and relentless optimism

Try: Sitting with them in the difficult feelings. "This is really hard. I'm here with you in it."

5. Don't Gossip or Break Confidentiality

If someone shares their depression with you, keep it confidential unless there's immediate safety risk.

Exception: If they express suicidal thoughts or plans, take it seriously and seek professional help immediately.

Recognizing When to Escalate

Warning Signs That Require Immediate Action

If your loved one:

• Talks about suicide or death repeatedly
• Has made a suicide plan
• Gives away possessions
• Says things like "everyone would be better off without me"
• Engages in reckless or self-destructive behaviour
• Withdraws completely from all contact

What to do:

1. Don't leave them alone
2. Remove means of self-harm if possible
3. Call emergency services (999) or take them to A&E
4. Contact crisis services:
   • Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7)
   • Crisis Text Line: Text SHOUT to 85258
   • NHS 111 (select mental health option)

Important: Don't promise to keep suicidal thoughts secret. This isn't betrayal—it's potentially life-saving.

Supporting Different Relationships

Supporting a Partner

Unique challenges:

• Depression can affect intimacy, communication, and daily routines
• You might feel rejected or unloved
• The relationship dynamic shifts

Strategies:

• Communicate openly: "I know you're struggling. Can we talk about how we maintain our connection during this?"
• Maintain some normalcy: Continue small rituals (morning coffee together, favourite TV show)
• Separate person from illness: Your partner isn't depression. The illness is causing their behaviour.
• Don't become their therapist: You're their partner, not their professional support

Supporting a Friend

Unique challenges:

• You might not see them regularly
• They might hide the severity from you
• Uncertainty about boundaries (how much is too much involvement?)

Strategies:

• Consistent, low-pressure contact: Regular check-ins that don't demand responses
• Offer specific, time-limited support: "Can I come over Saturday afternoon and help you tidy/cook/just hang out?"
• Include them in invitations even if they usually decline: Knowing they're wanted matters

Supporting a Family Member

Unique challenges:

• Old family dynamics can complicate things
• Parents might feel responsible or guilty
• Siblings might feel neglected

Strategies:

• Educate the whole family: Share resources so everyone understands depression
• Distribute support responsibilities: Don't let one person bear the entire load
• Family therapy can be helpful if the depressed person is open to it

Supporting a Colleague

Unique challenges:

• Professional boundaries
• Performance impact
• Limited time together

Strategies:

• Respect professional boundaries: You can be supportive without being intrusive
• Offer practical work support: "I can take that meeting if you need to step out"
• Direct them to workplace resources: EAP (Employee Assistance Programs), HR support, occupational health

Taking Care of Yourself

This is crucial and often overlooked: You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Signs of Supporter Burnout

• Feeling resentful or frustrated with the depressed person
• Your own mental health declining
• Neglecting your own needs and relationships
• Feeling guilty when you do things for yourself
• Exhaustion and emotional numbness

Boundaries Are Not Selfish

You can:

• Take breaks from supporting
• Say "I need to take care of myself today"
• Enjoy activities even while someone you love is suffering
• Set limits on availability

You don't have to:

• Be available 24/7
• Sacrifice your entire life
• Fix everything
• Feel guilty for having good days

Self-Care Strategies

1. Maintain your own routine: Exercise, hobbies, social connections
2. Seek your own support: Therapy, support groups, trusted friends
3. Set specific support times: "I can talk between 7-8pm, but after that I need to decompress"
4. Practice emotional detachment: Care deeply, but don't merge your wellbeing entirely with theirs

[EXPERT QUOTE]

"The most sustainable support comes from people who maintain their own wellbeing. It's not selfish to protect your mental health—it's necessary. A burned-out supporter helps no one." — Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher

The Long Game: What Sustainable Support Looks Like

Depression isn't a sprint crisis that resolves in two weeks. For many, it's a months-long (sometimes years-long) journey.

Sustainable support means:

• Accepting you can't fix it
• Showing up consistently in small ways
• Celebrating tiny improvements
• Maintaining your own life
• Being present without being consumed

What recovery looks like:

• Not a straight line—expect ups and downs
• Small improvements: showering, leaving the house, small social interactions
• Gradual re-engagement with life
• It often takes longer than you'd expect—and that's okay

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if they refuse to get professional help? A: You can encourage and remove barriers, but ultimately you can't force it. Focus on what you can control—your own behaviour and boundaries. If the situation becomes unmanageable, seek support for yourself.

Q: Should I talk about their depression directly? A: Ask them. Some people appreciate directness; others find it intrusive. Try: "Is it helpful for you if I ask how you're feeling, or would you prefer I don't bring it up directly?"

Q: How do I know if I'm doing too much or not enough? A: Ask them. "I want to support you in ways that actually help. What's been most helpful so far? Is there anything I'm doing that isn't working for you?"

Q: What if supporting them is affecting my own mental health? A: This is a sign you need to step back and care for yourself. It's not abandonment—it's sustainability. Seek your own therapy and create more boundaries.

Q: How long does depression last? A: It varies enormously. Untreated episodes can last months. With treatment, many people see improvement in weeks to months, though full recovery takes longer. Chronic depression can last years.

The Bottom Line

Supporting someone with depression is one of the most challenging, frustrating, and important things you'll do. You won't always get it right. You'll feel helpless sometimes. That's normal.

Remember:

• Your presence matters more than your solutions
• Small, consistent support beats grand gestures
• Boundaries protect both of you
• Professional help is essential—you can't be their therapist
• You're doing better than you think

The fact that you're reading this article shows you care deeply. That care, even when you feel ineffective, is a lifeline.

Resources for Supporters

Support Organisations:

• Mind: Information and support for families and friends (mind.org.uk)
• Rethink Mental Illness: Carer support services
• Carers UK: Practical and emotional support for carers

Books:

• "Depression: A Family Affair" by Stephanie Marston
• "When Someone You Love Is Depressed" by Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador

Therapy for You: If you're struggling with the emotional burden of supporting someone with depression, therapy isn't just for them—it's for you too.

At Kicks Therapy, I work with both individuals experiencing mental health challenges and those supporting loved ones through difficult times.

Book a free 15-minute consultation to explore how therapy can support you in supporting them—without losing yourself in the process.

Available in-person in Fulham (SW6), online throughout the UK, and through walking therapy in South West London.

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This article is for informational purposes and doesn't replace professional mental health support. For urgent mental health crises, contact emergency services or Samaritans on 116 123.