The Unspoken Frustration

You've been seeing your therapist for weeks, maybe months. You're showing up, doing the work, talking honestly. And yet... nothing's really changing.

You still wake up anxious. The same arguments happen with your partner. Work stress feels as overwhelming as ever. You leave sessions feeling temporarily lighter, perhaps, but by mid-week you're back where you started.

It's deeply frustrating. You're investing time, money, and emotional energy, but you're not getting better. And there's a question you barely want to admit: is therapy actually helping?

This is more common than you think, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're broken or therapy is pointless. But it does mean something needs to change.

This guide helps you figure out what's going wrong, how to address it, and when it might be time to try something—or someone—different.

First: Is It Really Not Working?

Before concluding therapy isn't helping, consider whether your expectations match reality.

Therapy Doesn't Feel Good All the Time

Effective therapy is often uncomfortable:

Sessions where you cry for 45 minutes
Confronting painful truths about yourself
Feeling worse before feeling better (temporarily)
Experiencing difficult emotions you've been avoiding

If therapy feels hard, that might mean it's working. Growth is rarely comfortable.

Change Takes Time

Week 3: "I don't feel different at all." Month 3: "I think I'm slightly less anxious...?" Month 6: "I'm noticing I handle conflict differently now." Year 1: "I can't believe how much has shifted."

Therapeutic change is often:

Gradual and cumulative
Imperceptible week-to-week
Noticed in hindsight more than real-time

Give it at least 6-8 sessions before deciding nothing's happening.

Sometimes You Need to Feel Worse to Get Better

If you've spent years numbing your feelings, the first phase of therapy might involve experiencing emotions you've avoided. This feels awful, but it's progress—you're metabolizing pain rather than suppressing it.

If you've used relationships to distract from loneliness, therapy might bring you face-to-face with that loneliness. Painful, but necessary.

Progress Isn't Linear

Therapy often looks like:

Insight → progress → regression → deeper insight → consolidation → setback → breakthrough

The regressions aren't failures—they're part of the process.

That Said: Signs Therapy Genuinely Isn't Working

If several of these apply, it's worth addressing:

1. You Feel Unsafe or Judged

Therapy requires vulnerability. If you don't feel safe with your therapist—if you're editing what you say, performing a version of yourself, or feeling judged—healing won't happen.

Red flags:

Your therapist criticizes you
They seem shocked or uncomfortable with your experiences
You feel you have to protect them from your "bad" parts
Sessions feel performative rather than genuine

2. You're Not Talking About What Actually Matters

You spend sessions discussing surface-level events whilst the real issues—shame about your body, rage at your mother, sexual difficulties, suicidal thoughts—remain unspoken.

This might be:

Fear of judgment (therapist's problem: they haven't created enough safety)
Avoidance (your process: therapy is bringing you close to scary territory)
Lack of direction (no one's helping you identify what needs exploring)

3. Your Therapist Seems Disengaged

They check the clock frequently
Forget things you told them
Seem tired or distracted
Give generic responses that could apply to anyone

You're paying for their full presence and expertise. If you're not getting it, that's a problem.

4. There's No Discernible Progress After 6+ Months

You're still experiencing the same symptoms at the same intensity, with no new insights, no changed behaviors, no shifts in how you relate.

Some therapy is long-term, but even long-term work should show incremental progress—not stagnation.

5. The Approach Doesn't Fit Your Needs

Your therapist offers weekly CBT homework, but you never do it and feel guilty (maybe CBT isn't your style).

Or you want practical tools, but your therapist just reflects your feelings back without offering any guidance (maybe you need a more directive approach).

Mismatch doesn't mean either of you is wrong—just incompatible.

6. You Feel Worse in Unhelpful Ways

Therapy should sometimes make you uncomfortable. It shouldn't:

Destabilize you so you can't function
Trigger you without adequate containment or support
Leave you regularly re-traumatized
Create dependency where you can't make decisions without your therapist

7. Boundary Issues or Unethical Behavior

Absolute dealbreakers:

Any sexual or romantic contact/comments
Your therapist sharing their personal problems
Pressure to socialize outside sessions
Therapist breaking confidentiality (except legally mandated situations)
Financial exploitation (pressuring you to continue when you can't afford it)

These aren't "therapy not working"—they're professional violations. Report to BACP, UKCP, or HCPC and find someone else immediately.

Why Therapy Might Not Be Working

Wrong Therapist-Client Match

Chemistry matters enormously. You might respect someone's credentials but not feel understood by them. Or their personality style (too direct, too passive, too structured, too meandering) doesn't mesh with yours.

This isn't anyone's fault—it's just incompatibility.

Wrong Modality

CBT is brilliant for some people and completely ineffective for others.

Psychodynamic work resonates deeply with some and feels too slow/vague for others.

Person-Centred therapy's non-directive approach helps many people but frustrates those wanting more guidance.

If the therapeutic approach fundamentally doesn't suit how you process and change, it won't work well regardless of therapist skill.

You're Not Ready

Harsh truth: sometimes people attend therapy because they feel they "should," not because they genuinely want to change.

Part of you might want to stay stuck because:

Change is terrifying
Your identity is built around your struggle
Secondary gains (sympathy, avoiding responsibility, familiar patterns) outweigh the pain
You're attending for someone else (partner insists, court-mandated)

This doesn't make you bad—it makes you human. But therapy won't work until you're genuinely ready.

Wrong Issue Being Addressed

You're working on relationship anxiety, but underneath there's complex trauma you haven't mentioned.

You're processing childhood wounds, but actually you need to address the affairs you're having right now.

Therapy is working on the wrong problem.

The Therapist Isn't Skilled Enough

Therapists vary dramatically in competence. Someone might be:

Newly qualified with limited experience
Out of their depth with your specific presentation
Generally competent but lacking skills in the modality you need
Poorly trained

You deserve someone equipped to help you.

Practical Barriers

Therapy requires certain conditions:

Enough stability to engage (if you're homeless or in active crisis, survival takes precedence)
Time and energy to attend and process
Financial sustainability
A level of cognitive functioning (some conditions make talk therapy very difficult)

If these aren't in place, therapy might be premature or need to be paired with other supports.

What to Do When Therapy Feels Stuck

Step 1: Name It in Session

This is terrifying but essential: tell your therapist it's not working.

Try:

"I don't feel like I'm making progress, and I'm not sure why."
"I leave sessions feeling the same as when I arrived."
"Something doesn't feel right, but I can't quite identify what."
"I'm wondering if this approach is the right fit for me."

A good therapist will:

Not be defensive
Explore this openly with you
Appreciate your honesty
Help identify what's not working

A poor response:

Blaming you ("You're resistant to change")
Dismissing your concern ("Give it more time")
Getting visibly hurt or angry

Step 2: Identify What Specifically Isn't Working

Get clearer:

"I don't feel understood by you."
"I want more practical tools, not just talking."
"Sessions feel superficial—we're not addressing deeper issues."
"I need more direction; I get lost when you just reflect back."
"Your approach feels too structured/rigid for me."

Specificity helps both of you understand whether it's fixable.

Step 3: Experiment with Changes

Possible adjustments:

Change frequency: Weekly to fortnightly (or vice versa)
Change focus: Address a different issue
Change approach: "Can we try some CBT techniques rather than just talking?"
Change format: Online to in-person (or reverse)
Introduce homework or between-session practices

Give changes 3-4 sessions to see if they help.

Step 4: Seek a Second Opinion

Consider:

One-off consultation with another therapist to get their perspective
Speaking to your GP about whether medication might help alongside therapy
Joining a support group to supplement one-to-one work
Trying a different modality (e.g., EMDR for trauma if talk therapy isn't helping)

Step 5: Consider Ending (With a Proper Goodbye)

If nothing shifts, it might be time to stop. Do this thoughtfully:

Give your therapist notice (don't just disappear)
Have a final session to process the ending
Reflect on what you did gain (there's usually something, even if it wasn't enough)
Decide whether you'll seek a different therapist or take a break

When to Change Therapists

Change therapists if:

You've raised concerns and nothing improves
You fundamentally don't trust or feel safe with them
There are ethical violations
You've given it 3+ months and feel completely stuck
Your needs have changed (you now need trauma specialist, or couples work, etc.)

Don't feel guilty. Finding the right therapeutic match sometimes takes more than one attempt.

How to Find a Better Fit

Be More Specific About What You Need

Instead of: "I need a therapist."

Try: "I need a trauma specialist who uses EMDR, works integratively, is LGBTQ+-affirming, and has a warm but direct style."

Specificity helps you filter.

Ask Direct Questions in Initial Consultations

"What's your experience with [your specific issue]?"
"What's your therapeutic style—directive or non-directive?"
"How will we track whether therapy is working?"
"What would you do if I told you after a few months that I wasn't making progress?"

Their answers reveal a lot.

Trust Your Gut in the First Session

After an initial consultation, ask yourself:

Do I feel seen and understood?
Could I be vulnerable with this person?
Do they seem genuinely engaged?
Does their style match what I think I need?

If it's a strong "no," keep looking.

Consider Trying a Different Modality

If you tried CBT and it didn't work, maybe Person-Centred or psychodynamic would.

If psychodynamic felt too slow, maybe DBT or solution-focused brief therapy would suit better.

Different approaches genuinely work for different people and different issues.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Before concluding therapy is pointless:

"Am I actually doing therapy, or just attending?" Showing up is necessary but not sufficient. Are you being honest? Engaging between sessions? Trying new behaviors?

"What would need to happen for me to consider therapy 'working'?" Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic (wanting to feel happy all the time, never anxious, etc.).

"Am I giving my therapist accurate feedback?" If you smile and say "fine" but inwardly feel frustrated, they can't adjust.

"What am I afraid might happen if therapy works?" Sometimes we sabotage because change is terrifying, even positive change.

"Is the problem therapy, or is the problem that I need additional support?" Maybe therapy is helping but isn't sufficient on its own (you also need medication, or lifestyle changes, or practical support).

When Therapy Is Working (Even If It Doesn't Feel Like It)

Sometimes therapy is effective even when it feels stuck:

You're more aware of patterns (even if you haven't changed them yet)
You feel feelings more fully (even though that's painful)
You're showing up consistently (building capacity for commitment)
You're having conversations you never could before (with therapist or others)
Small external changes are happening (you notice different responses in minor situations)

Awareness precedes change. You might be in the awareness-building phase, which isn't yet producing dramatic behavior shifts but is laying essential groundwork.

When to Take a Break vs When to Persist

Consider a break if:

Financial strain is creating more stress than therapy relieves
You're exhausted and need to consolidate gains
Life circumstances make it impossible to engage fully
You genuinely need space to try living without therapeutic support

Consider persisting if:

You're approaching difficult material (resistance often means you're getting close to something important)
Your therapist is good, the approach suits you, but progress is slow (some work is just slow)
You have a history of quitting when things get hard (this might be the pattern to break)

Final Thoughts: Therapy Can Fail, and That's Okay

Not all therapy works. Not all therapist-client pairings work. Not all approaches work for all people. And sometimes the timing just isn't right.

This doesn't mean:

You're unfixable
Therapy is pointless
You're "failing" at therapy

It means this particular therapeutic relationship, at this particular time, with this particular approach, isn't producing the change you need.

That's valuable information. Use it to try something different.

The people who benefit most from therapy aren't those who never struggle or feel stuck—they're those who notice when something isn't working and have the courage to speak up, adjust, or move on.

Therapy isn't about passive suffering in weekly sessions hoping something eventually clicks. It's an active, collaborative process that requires honesty, feedback, and sometimes, the willingness to say "this isn't working—let's try something else."

About the Author: The Kicks Therapy content team believes in transparent, honest conversations about therapy, including when it doesn't work. Our practice encourages clients to speak openly if sessions feel unhelpful so we can adjust together.

Feeling stuck in therapy or unsure about starting? Book a consultation to discuss your concerns openly. We can explore whether our integrative approach might be a better fit, or help you identify what type of therapy might serve you well. £80 per session in Fulham or online.

When Therapy Isn't Working: What to Do Next