Couples Therapy vs Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

Your relationship is struggling. Perhaps you're arguing constantly, feeling disconnected, dealing with trust issues, or simply sensing that something fundamental isn't working. You've decided therapy might help—but should you see a couples therapist together, or work on things individually in your own therapy?

It's a genuine dilemma. Intuition might suggest that relationship problems require couples therapy—after all, both people are involved. But many relationship difficulties are actually best addressed through individual work, particularly when patterns trace back to your own history, attachment style, or personal struggles.

Conversely, sometimes people avoid couples therapy when they genuinely need it, preferring the less confronting space of individual work where they can complain about their partner without having to face them in the room.

This guide explores the differences between couples and individual approaches to relationship difficulties, helps you assess which suits your situation, and explains how sometimes the answer is both—sequentially or simultaneously.

Table of Contents

• Key Differences Between Couples and Individual Therapy
• When Individual Therapy Works Best for Relationship Issues
• When Couples Therapy is the Right Choice
• What Each Type of Therapy Actually Involves
• Can You Do Both? Sequential and Parallel Approaches
• What If Your Partner Won't Come to Therapy?
• How to Decide Which Approach to Start With
• Frequently Asked Questions

Key Differences Between Couples and Individual Therapy

While both address relationship issues, the approaches differ fundamentally:

The Client

Individual therapy: You are the client. Your therapist's allegiance is to you, your wellbeing, and your growth. They're on your side.

Couples therapy: The relationship is the client. The therapist holds equal space for both partners and remains neutral rather than siding with either person. Their allegiance is to the relationship's health, which sometimes means challenging both of you.

The Focus

Individual therapy: Focuses on your experience, your patterns, your history, your choices. Your partner is discussed but isn't present to offer their perspective.

Couples therapy: Focuses on interaction patterns between you—how you communicate, fight, connect, and wound each other. Both perspectives are present and explored.

The Goal

Individual therapy: Supports your personal growth, healing, and clarity about what you need and want—which may or may not include staying in the relationship.

Couples therapy: Works toward improving the relationship (though sometimes the work clarifies that ending is healthiest). The explicit goal is helping you function better together.

Privacy and Loyalty

Individual therapy: Everything discussed is confidential. You can express doubts, resentments, or consider leaving without your partner knowing.

Couples therapy: Most couples therapists don't hold secrets—if you share something significant outside joint sessions, they'll typically encourage you to bring it into the joint work or won't continue seeing you individually.

When Individual Therapy Works Best for Relationship Issues

Many relationship difficulties are best addressed individually:

Your Patterns Predate This Relationship

If you've struggled with similar issues across multiple relationships—choosing unavailable partners, anxious attachment, fear of commitment, difficulty with conflict—the pattern is yours to understand and address.

A therapist can help you explore:

• How your attachment style (formed in early relationships) shapes adult partnerships
• Patterns you learned in your family of origin
• Unresolved trauma or loss affecting intimacy
• Your part in recurring relationship dynamics

The Relationship Triggers Personal Work

Sometimes relationship difficulties illuminate personal issues requiring focused attention:

• Low self-esteem making you accept poor treatment
• Anxiety or depression affecting connection
• Unprocessed grief or trauma surfacing in partnership
• Identity questions or life transitions
• Difficulty with boundaries or assertiveness

You Need Clarity About What You Want

Individual therapy offers space to honestly explore:

• Whether you want to stay in the relationship
• What you actually need vs what you've been settling for
• Your own responsibility vs what's genuinely problematic about your partner
• Whether you're staying for good reasons or fear/guilt

This exploration is difficult to do honestly in couples therapy where protecting your partner's feelings or the relationship itself might inhibit truth-telling.

Your Partner is the Primary Problem

If your partner has addiction, ongoing infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, or significant untreated mental health issues that they refuse to address, couples therapy often isn't appropriate.

Individual therapy supports you in:

• Understanding the dynamics
• Developing boundaries
• Deciding whether to stay or leave
• Processing if you do leave

You're Not Ready for Joint Work

Couples therapy requires both people willing to examine their contribution to difficulties. If you're not there yet—if you're still in "it's all their fault" mode—individual therapy can help you reach a place where couples work becomes possible.

The Relationship Has Ended But You're Processing

After a breakup, individual therapy helps you:

• Grieve the loss
• Understand what happened
• Heal from hurt
• Learn from the experience
• Prepare for healthier future relationships

When Couples Therapy is the Right Choice

Certain situations specifically call for joint work:

Communication Has Broken Down

If you're stuck in patterns where:

• Every conversation escalates into arguments
• You misunderstand each other despite good intentions
• One or both withdraw rather than engaging
• You can't discuss difficult topics without it going badly

A couples therapist can help you develop healthier communication patterns, mediate difficult conversations, and break destructive cycles.

You're Navigating Specific Relationship Challenges

Some issues are inherently relational:

• Recovering from infidelity
• Managing different sex drives or sexual difficulties
• Parenting conflicts
• Financial disagreements
• Negotiating life transitions (retirement, empty nest, etc.)
• Balancing different needs for closeness vs independence

These require both perspectives and joint problem-solving.

You Both Want to Improve Things

If you're both committed to the relationship and willing to work on it, but stuck about how, couples therapy offers guidance and structure.

You Need Help Making Decisions Together

Couples therapy can support decisions about:

• Whether to have children
• Where to live
• Career changes affecting both of you
• How to handle extended family
• Opening or closing relationships

The Relationship is Otherwise Good But Has Hit a Rough Patch

Sometimes fundamentally healthy relationships go through difficult periods—stress, life changes, loss—and need short-term support to navigate back to solid ground.

You Want Preventative Work

Not all couples therapy addresses crises. Some couples seek it proactively:

• Premarital counselling
• Adjusting to parenthood
• Navigating major life transitions
• Strengthening already-good connection

Both of You Have Done Individual Work

If you've each worked on your own patterns and the relationship still struggles, couples therapy can address the interaction dynamics specifically.

What Each Type of Therapy Actually Involves

Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

Sessions typically involve:

• Exploring your experience of the relationship
• Identifying your patterns and contributions to difficulties
• Understanding how your history shapes your relating
• Processing emotions (hurt, anger, grief, confusion)
• Clarifying what you need and want
• Developing skills (assertiveness, boundary-setting, emotional regulation)
• Deciding whether and how to address issues with your partner

Your therapist might help you:

• Recognise when you're projecting past wounds onto your partner
• Understand your attachment style and how it shows up
• Develop more effective ways to communicate needs
• Process whether staying in the relationship serves your wellbeing

Couples Therapy

Sessions involve both of you with a therapist who:

• Creates safe space for difficult conversations
• Helps you understand each other's perspectives
• Identifies destructive interaction patterns
• Teaches communication skills
• Mediates conflicts
• Assigns "homework" to practice new ways of relating

Common couples therapy elements:

• Storytelling: Each partner describes their experience of the relationship
• Pattern identification: The therapist points out recurring dynamics (pursuer-distancer, criticise-defend, etc.)
• Communication training: Learning to express needs, listen actively, fight fairly
• Homework: Practicing new behaviours between sessions
• Processing past hurts: Creating space for apologies, forgiveness, or grief

Couples therapy is typically shorter-term than individual work (often 12-20 sessions), though some couples continue longer or return periodically.

Can You Do Both? Sequential and Parallel Approaches

Sometimes the answer isn't either/or but both—in sequence or simultaneously:

Sequential: Individual Then Couples

Many therapists recommend individual work first when:

• One or both partners have significant personal work to do (trauma, addiction, mental health issues)
• You're extremely emotionally dysregulated
• You need clarity about whether you want the relationship before investing in joint work

After individual therapy establishes a foundation, couples work can address relationship-specific dynamics more effectively.

Sequential: Couples Then Individual

Sometimes couples therapy identifies individual issues requiring separate attention:

• One partner's depression or anxiety significantly affecting the relationship
• Unprocessed trauma surfacing
• Personal identity work needed

You might pause couples work while one or both partners do individual therapy, then return to joint work.

Parallel: Both Simultaneously

Some people see their own therapist whilst also doing couples work. This requires coordination:

• Your individual therapist focuses on your personal growth and patterns
• The couples therapist works on relationship dynamics
• Usually these are different therapists to maintain appropriate boundaries

This can work well but requires clarity about each therapy's scope and ideally some communication between therapists (with your permission).

Your Own Therapist + Partner Alone or Vice Versa

Sometimes in couples therapy, one partner already has an individual therapist while the other doesn't. The couples therapist must remain neutral despite this asymmetry.

What If Your Partner Won't Come to Therapy?

This is perhaps the most common dilemma: you want help with the relationship, but your partner refuses couples therapy.

Can Individual Therapy Still Help?

Yes, absolutely. Even though you can't directly change your partner, individual therapy can significantly improve relationship dynamics by:

• Helping you change your contribution to patterns
• Developing more effective communication skills
• Setting boundaries
• Deciding whether to stay or leave
• Managing your own emotional responses
• Understanding what you can and can't control

When you change how you show up, the relationship often shifts—sometimes for the better, sometimes revealing that it's not viable.

Strategies If Your Partner Refuses

If you want couples therapy but your partner won't go:

Reduce pressure: Pushing harder often increases resistance. Back off and work on yourself first.

Frame it differently: Instead of "we have problems that need fixing," try "I want us to be as good as we can be" or "I want us to learn skills for handling this transition."

Suggest a consultation: Propose meeting a therapist once just to see if it feels helpful, rather than committing to ongoing therapy.

Go alone first: Sometimes when one partner starts individual therapy and the relationship begins improving, the other becomes willing to join couples work.

Accept their choice: Ultimately, you can't force your partner into therapy. You can only decide what you'll do given their refusal—including whether that's something you can accept long-term.

How to Decide Which Approach to Start With

If you're uncertain whether to pursue individual or couples therapy, consider:

Start with Individual If:

• You're very unclear what you want
• You have significant personal work to do (trauma, mental health, addiction)
• You suspect the relationship might not be right for you
• Your partner is abusive or refuses to acknowledge their role in difficulties
• You have patterns across multiple relationships suggesting the issue is primarily yours to address

Start with Couples If:

• You're both committed to improving things
• Communication is the main problem
• You're facing specific relationship challenges (infidelity recovery, parenting conflicts, etc.)
• The relationship is fundamentally good but has hit a rough patch
• You've each done individual work but the relationship still struggles

Consider a Consultation

Many therapists offer initial consultations. You might:

• Consult with an individual therapist and ask whether they think individual or couples work is more appropriate
• Consult with a couples therapist who can assess whether joint work makes sense or whether individual therapy would serve you better

Good therapists will honestly tell you if they think a different approach would serve you better, even if it means not taking you on as a client.

Trust Your Gut

Beyond logic, notice what resonates. If the thought of couples therapy fills you with dread, that's information. If you keep thinking "but I need help understanding my own patterns first," listen to that.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can individual therapy break up a relationship?

Individual therapy helps you become clearer about what you need and whether your relationship meets those needs. For some people, this clarity leads to ending relationships that aren't working. For others, it leads to better boundaries and communication that strengthen relationships. Therapy doesn't break up relationships—it helps you make more conscious, authentic choices.

Will a couples therapist tell us to break up?

Most couples therapists maintain neutrality about whether you stay together. Their role is helping you both get clearer about whether the relationship can meet both your needs, not making that decision for you. However, they might name patterns that are damaging and point out if change isn't happening.

How long does each type of therapy take?

Individual therapy for relationship issues varies enormously—anywhere from a few months to a couple of years depending on complexity. Couples therapy is typically shorter-term: 12-20 sessions is common, though some couples work longer or return periodically for "maintenance."

Is couples therapy expensive?

Couples therapy costs similarly to individual therapy per session (£60-£150 in London), but you're splitting the cost between two people. However, you often pay for longer sessions (75 or 90 minutes rather than 50 minutes). Overall cost depends on how many sessions you need.

What if we're not married—can we still do couples therapy?

Absolutely. Couples therapy is for any committed partnership, regardless of legal status, gender, or relationship structure. Whether you're dating, cohabiting, engaged, or married doesn't matter.

Can couples therapy work if one person doesn't want to be there?

It's challenging but sometimes possible. If one person is genuinely open to exploring despite initial resistance, couples therapy can shift their perspective. But if someone attends purely to appease their partner whilst remaining completely closed to examining their contribution, progress is unlikely.

Should I tell my partner I'm seeing a therapist about our relationship?

This depends on your relationship. Many people find it helpful to be transparent: "I'm working with a therapist on understanding my patterns in relationships." Others prefer privacy initially. However, if you're actively making changes, your partner will likely notice and might be curious about what's shifted.

Can I switch from individual to couples therapy with the same therapist?

Generally no. If a therapist has been working with you individually, they can't then fairly offer couples therapy—their alliance is already with you, which compromises neutrality. You'd need to find a different therapist for couples work.

What if my individual therapist tells me to leave my partner, but I don't want to?

Be cautious of therapists who tell you what to do rather than helping you find your own clarity. A good therapist might point out concerning patterns or ask challenging questions, but ultimately respects your autonomy to make your own decisions—even ones they might disagree with.

Finding the Right Support for Your Relationship

Whether individual therapy, couples therapy, or both, seeking support for relationship difficulties takes courage. Relationships are where we're most vulnerable, and acknowledging struggle—whether alone or together—requires significant strength.

There's no universal right answer about which approach to choose. What matters is that you get the support you need to either build a healthier, more fulfilling partnership or find the clarity and strength to leave and eventually create something better.

Your relationship struggles don't define your worth or your capacity for love and connection. With thoughtful support—individual, couples, or both—you can develop greater insight, healthier patterns, and ultimately create relationships that truly nourish rather than deplete you.

For humanistic, integrative therapy addressing relationship issues—whether individual work on your relationship patterns or couples counselling for improving connection—contact Kicks Therapy for an initial consultation. We offer both in-person sessions in Fulham/SW6 and video counselling across London, tailored to your unique needs and situation.

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About the Author: This article was written by the Kicks Therapy Content Team, with clinical input from BACP-registered therapists experienced in both individual relationship work and couples counselling.

Further Reading:

• Complete Guide to Relationship Counselling
• What Happens in a Counselling Session?
• Understanding Humanistic Therapy
• First Counselling Session: What to Expect

Expert Sources:

• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26.
• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. New York: Guilford Press.
• British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). (2024). Relationship therapy: Individual vs couples approaches. https://www.bacp.co.uk/