Breaking Free: How Trauma Therapy Helps Men Escape the Patterns That Hold Them Back

The Cycle You Can't Name

You're 42. Successful on paper. But you explode at your kids over small things. You can't sleep properly. Your wife says you're "emotionally unavailable," and she's probably right, but you don't know how to be any different. You feel like you're watching your life through glass—present but not really there.

You've tried being more positive, pushing through, working harder. Nothing changes. The same patterns keep repeating, no matter what you do.

What you might not realise is that you're not broken. You're traumatised. And there's a difference.

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At a Glance:

• Trauma in men often presents as anger, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or risk-taking rather than the "textbook" symptoms
• Most men with trauma don't realise they have it—they just know something feels wrong
• The patterns you're stuck in (the "broken-record loop") are survival mechanisms that once protected you but now hold you back
• Trauma therapy isn't about reliving the past—it's about breaking its grip on your present
• Healing is possible, but it's "hard and slow work" that requires the right therapeutic relationship

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Table of Contents

1. Why Trauma in Men Goes Unrecognised
2. What Trauma Actually Looks Like in Men
3. The Broken-Record Loop: Understanding Trauma Patterns
4. Types of Trauma That Affect Men
5. How Trauma Therapy Actually Works
6. What Makes Trauma Therapy Different From Regular Counselling
7. The Journey: What to Expect
8. When You're Ready (And When You're Not)
9. Frequently Asked Questions

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Why Trauma in Men Goes Unrecognised

When most people think of trauma, they picture soldiers with PTSD, survivors of horrific accidents, or victims of violent crime. They imagine flashbacks, nightmares, people curled up in corners having panic attacks.

That's trauma. But it's not the only face of trauma, and it's certainly not how trauma typically presents in men.

The Masculine Mask

From boyhood, men learn to perform a very particular version of strength: stoic, controlled, unshakeable. "Man up." "Boys don't cry." "Get over it." These aren't just annoying phrases—they're the blueprint for how generations of men have learned to deal with pain.

So when trauma happens—whether it's childhood neglect, witnessing domestic violence, being bullied relentlessly, losing a parent suddenly, experiencing a life-threatening situation, or enduring emotional abuse—men don't fall apart in ways the world recognises as trauma. Instead, they adapt. They compartmentalise. They build walls.

And for a while, it works. Until it doesn't.

The Statistics We Don't Talk About

According to NHS Digital's 2024 data on mental health services, men account for less than 30% of referrals for trauma-specific treatment, despite research suggesting men and women experience traumatic events at similar rates. The difference isn't in exposure to trauma—it's in recognition and help-seeking.

A 2024 study in the British Journal of Psychiatry found that men with childhood trauma are significantly more likely to present with externalising symptoms (anger, aggression, substance misuse, risk-taking) whilst women typically present with internalising symptoms (anxiety, depression, self-harm). The result? Men's trauma gets misread as "anger management issues" or "behavioural problems" rather than what it actually is: unresolved traumatic stress.

You're not difficult, angry, or emotionally stunted. You're adapting to survive something that overwhelmed you—possibly years or decades ago.

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What Trauma Actually Looks Like in Men

Let me describe some men I've worked with. See if any sound familiar.

James, 38, came to therapy because his wife threatened to leave. He worked 70-hour weeks, drank every evening, and hadn't had a proper conversation with her in months. He described feeling "empty" and "going through the motions." What emerged over time was severe childhood emotional neglect and a father who responded to any emotion with contempt. James had learned that feelings were dangerous, so he'd shut them down entirely. The price? He couldn't connect with anyone, including himself.

David, 52, sought help after his third failed relationship. Each one followed the same pattern: intense initial attraction, followed by increasing withdrawal and eventual implosion. "I sabotage everything good in my life," he said. Through our work, we uncovered complex trauma from boarding school—years of bullying and institutional emotional deprivation that taught him intimacy meant vulnerability, and vulnerability meant pain. His brain had learned to destroy relationships before they could destroy him.

Marcus, 29, couldn't understand why he was constantly exhausted despite sleeping 8 hours. He startled at sudden noises, couldn't relax, and scanned every room for exits. On paper, his life was stable. But his body was in permanent fight-or-flight mode—a textbook trauma response from witnessing domestic violence throughout his childhood.

Common Signs of Trauma in Men

Trauma doesn't always look like what you'd expect. In men, it often manifests as:

Emotional symptoms:

• Numbness or disconnection from feelings
• Sudden, disproportionate anger or rage
• Inability to feel joy or pleasure (anhedonia)
• Feeling constantly on edge or "wired"
• Shame or self-loathing that seems baked in
• Difficulty identifying or expressing emotions

Physical symptoms:

• Chronic tension (jaw clenching, tight shoulders, back pain)
• Sleep problems (insomnia, nightmares, or sleeping excessively)
• Digestive issues
• Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for threats)
• Easily startled by unexpected sounds or movements
• Exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix

Behavioural patterns:

• Avoiding situations that feel threatening (even when they're objectively safe)
• Risk-taking or sensation-seeking behaviour
• Substance use to numb or manage feelings
• Workaholic tendencies or other forms of avoidance
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships
• Repeating the same self-destructive patterns

Cognitive patterns:

• Intrusive thoughts or memories you can't control
• Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
• Negative beliefs about yourself ("I'm worthless," "I'm dangerous," "I can't trust anyone")
• Dissociation (feeling detached from yourself or reality)
• Constant worst-case scenario thinking

Sound familiar? You might recognise one or two items, or you might see yourself in nearly every line. Either way, these aren't character flaws—they're symptoms of a nervous system that learned to protect you but doesn't know how to switch off.

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The Broken-Record Loop: Understanding Trauma Patterns

I call it the "broken-record loop"—those patterns of thought, feeling, and behaviour that keep repeating no matter how much you wish they'd stop.

How the Loop Forms

Here's what happens when trauma occurs:

1. Something overwhelming happens. This might be a single incident or prolonged exposure to difficult circumstances. Your brain and nervous system become overwhelmed—they can't process what's happening in the normal way.

2. Your survival systems take over. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your brain makes split-second decisions about how to survive. These responses are brilliant in the moment—they keep you alive or help you endure the unendurable.

3. The pattern gets encoded. Your brain, trying to protect you from future harm, essentially takes notes: "This situation = danger. This feeling = threat. This person = unsafe." These associations become automatic, bypassing your conscious mind.

4. The pattern persists long after the danger has passed. Your brain hasn't received the memo that the threat is over. It keeps running the same protective programmes, even when they're no longer needed and actively harm you.

Why You Can't Just "Get Over It"

This is what people who haven't experienced trauma fail to understand: you can't think your way out of it. These patterns aren't happening in the rational, thinking part of your brain—they're in the older, deeper structures that handle survival and threat detection.

That's why reading self-help books, trying to stay positive, or telling yourself to "just relax" doesn't work. Your prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is saying one thing, but your amygdala (threat-detection centre) is screaming something else entirely. And in that battle, the amygdala wins every time.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, psychiatrist and trauma researcher: "Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then, but the current imprint of that pain, horror, and fear living inside people. The challenge of recovery is to establish ownership of your body and your mind—of your self."

This is why trauma therapy is essential. You need help rewiring these deep patterns, not just understanding them intellectually.

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Types of Trauma That Affect Men

Not all trauma looks the same. Understanding what type you're dealing with helps clarify why certain patterns exist and what healing might involve.

Acute Trauma (Single-Incident)

This results from a specific event: a serious accident, assault, witnessing violence, a natural disaster, combat exposure, or a life-threatening medical event.

Acute trauma can lead to PTSD when the nervous system gets stuck in threat mode. You might experience intrusive memories of the event, avoidance of reminders, hypervigilance, and changes in mood or thinking.

Example: A man involved in a serious car crash who now experiences panic attacks when driving, constantly checks his mirrors, and avoids motorways entirely.

Complex Trauma (C-PTSD)

This develops from prolonged or repeated traumatic experiences, particularly those that occur in childhood or in relationships where escape wasn't possible.

Examples include:

• Childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
• Chronic neglect or emotional unavailability from caregivers
• Growing up with an addicted, mentally ill, or violent parent
• Prolonged bullying
• Being raised in a high-control or cult environment
• Long-term domestic abuse or coercive control

Complex trauma is particularly insidious because it affects your fundamental sense of self and relationships. If your early experiences taught you that people can't be trusted, that your needs don't matter, or that showing vulnerability leads to pain, these beliefs become the foundation of how you see yourself and relate to others.

Example: A man who experienced severe emotional neglect in childhood struggles with intimacy in adult relationships, experiences profound shame without clear cause, and has difficulty regulating emotions—swinging between numbness and overwhelming distress.

Developmental Trauma

This overlaps with complex trauma but specifically refers to adverse experiences during crucial developmental periods that disrupt normal emotional, cognitive, and social development.

The adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) research has shown that experiences like parental divorce, household substance abuse, mental illness in the family, or having an incarcerated family member all contribute to developmental trauma—even if they don't seem "traumatic enough" to count.

Many men I work with struggle with this: "Other people had it worse. I shouldn't be affected by this." But trauma isn't a competition. If your experiences overwhelmed your capacity to cope at the time, that's trauma—regardless of how others might judge it.

Vicarious or Secondary Trauma

This affects people who are repeatedly exposed to others' trauma, common in professions like healthcare, emergency services, military, social work, or journalism.

Male first responders, in particular, often carry enormous trauma burdens whilst facing cultural expectations to remain stoic and unaffected. The cumulative toll of witnessing suffering, death, and violence can result in symptoms indistinguishable from direct trauma exposure.

Attachment Trauma

When early relationships with caregivers are inconsistent, frightening, or neglectful, it creates attachment trauma—difficulties trusting others, fear of abandonment, or patterns of pushing people away to avoid potential hurt.

For many men, attachment trauma manifests as either anxious clinging to relationships (despite feeling unworthy of love) or dismissive avoidance (maintaining distance to avoid vulnerability). These patterns play out across all intimate relationships, creating the very rejection and abandonment they fear.

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How Trauma Therapy Actually Works

Let me be direct: trauma therapy is hard work. It's slow. It's uncomfortable. There are no shortcuts, no quick fixes, no five-step programmes that will sort you out in a month.

But it does work. And the freedom that comes from no longer being controlled by your past is worth every difficult session.

Phase 1: Building Safety and Trust

Before any deep trauma work can happen, we need to establish a foundation of safety—both in the therapeutic relationship and in your daily life.

Many men with trauma have never experienced a relationship where they feel genuinely safe to be themselves without judgment or consequence. The therapy relationship itself becomes a kind of corrective experience—a place where you can be honest, vulnerable, and imperfect without being criticised, abandoned, or attacked.

This phase might involve:

• Learning about how trauma affects the brain and body
• Developing emotional awareness (actually identifying what you're feeling)
• Building coping skills for managing distress
• Establishing basic self-care and stabilising crisis behaviours
• Addressing immediate safety concerns (substance use, self-harm, etc.)

For some men, this phase alone creates significant shifts. Simply having a safe space to speak truth and be heard is transformative.

Phase 2: Processing and Integration

Once there's sufficient safety and stability, we can begin the deeper work of processing traumatic memories and experiences.

This doesn't mean endlessly rehashing the past or wallowing in old pain. Rather, it's about helping your brain and nervous system complete the processing that got interrupted during the traumatic experience.

We might use various approaches:

• Narrative therapy: Telling your story in a new way that reclaims your agency
• Somatic work: Addressing the trauma held in your body
• Parts work: Working with different aspects of yourself that developed to cope with trauma
• Emotional processing: Allowing yourself to feel and release emotions that were too overwhelming at the time

The goal is to move from being controlled by the past to having a relationship with it—acknowledging what happened and how it affected you whilst no longer being dictated by it.

Phase 3: Reconnection and Growth

The final phase is about building a life beyond trauma—reconnecting with yourself, others, and what matters to you.

This might include:

• Developing authentic intimate relationships
• Rediscovering interests and passions that trauma took from you
• Building a coherent sense of identity beyond "trauma survivor"
• Learning to trust your own perceptions and judgement
• Making amends where needed and letting go of shame
• Finding meaning and perhaps even post-traumatic growth

Not everyone progresses through these phases linearly. Trauma recovery is more spiral than straight line—you might revisit earlier work multiple times at deeper levels. That's normal and expected.

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What Makes Trauma Therapy Different From Regular Counselling

You might be wondering: isn't this just regular therapy? What makes trauma work special?

It's About the Nervous System, Not Just the Mind

Standard talk therapy often focuses on thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours—trying to change your thinking patterns or develop new coping strategies.

Trauma therapy recognises that the problem isn't primarily in your thinking; it's in your nervous system. Your body is stuck in survival mode. No amount of rational thinking will fix that because the threat-detection systems operate below conscious awareness.

Effective trauma therapy is trauma-informed and often body-based, working directly with nervous system activation rather than just talking about experiences.

It Requires Specialised Training

Not all therapists are equipped to work with trauma. Effective trauma therapy requires specific training in:

• Understanding how trauma affects neurobiology
• Recognising trauma responses (many of which look nothing like distress)
• Pacing the work appropriately (not too fast, not too slow)
• Managing dissociation and other protective mechanisms
• Working with shame, which is often at the core of trauma
• Avoiding retraumatisation

I've trained specifically in trauma work and work with clients experiencing PTSD, complex trauma, and the various ways trauma manifests. This specialisation matters.

It's Long-Term Work

Whilst some counselling can be brief (8-12 sessions for specific issues), trauma therapy typically requires longer-term commitment—often 6-12 months at minimum, sometimes considerably longer for complex trauma.

This isn't about dependency or therapists trying to keep you in therapy forever. It's because rewiring deeply ingrained survival patterns, building new neural pathways, and creating sustained nervous system regulation takes time. There are no shortcuts.

It Centres the Therapeutic Relationship

The relationship between you and your therapist becomes the primary vehicle for healing. For many trauma survivors, the therapy relationship is the first truly safe, consistent, and trustworthy relationship they've experienced.

This relationship provides what's called a "secure base"—a safe place from which to explore difficult territory, knowing you won't be abandoned or overwhelmed. It models what healthy connection looks like and provides a corrective emotional experience for attachment trauma.

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The Journey: What to Expect From Trauma Therapy

Let me be honest about what this process involves, because going in with realistic expectations helps immensely.

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

When you start addressing trauma, you're essentially taking the lid off things you've kept buried for good reason. Initially, symptoms often intensify. You might experience:

• More intense emotions than usual
• Increased anxiety or irritability
• Worse sleep or more vivid dreams
• Greater awareness of pain (which feels like more pain)
• Temporary increase in dissociation or numbness

This isn't therapy failing—it's actually a sign that the process is working. You're thawing out, and feeling more of everything is part of that, even when it's uncomfortable.

Progress Isn't Linear

Some weeks you'll feel like you're making huge strides. Other weeks you'll feel like you've regressed completely. Both are normal.

Trauma recovery follows a spiral pattern—you circle back to the same issues at different depths. Each time you revisit something, you integrate it more fully. What feels like going backwards is often actually going deeper.

You'll Hit Resistance

There will be sessions you desperately don't want to attend. Topics you want to avoid. Weeks where you consider quitting therapy entirely.

This resistance is your psyche's way of protecting you—it believes the trauma is safer left alone. A skilled therapist will recognise this, respect it, and work with it rather than pushing you through it. Sometimes we need to slow down or sidestep for a while.

The Relationship With Your Therapist Matters Enormously

You need to feel safe with your therapist. Not necessarily comfortable (this work is uncomfortable), but fundamentally safe.

If something feels off in the relationship, that's vital information. A good trauma therapist will welcome discussion about the relationship itself and work through ruptures when they occur. In fact, these "ruptures and repairs" can be some of the most healing work you do.

You'll Discover You're Not Broken

Perhaps the most profound shift is the realisation that you're not fundamentally flawed, weak, or damaged beyond repair.

What you've been calling "my anger problem," "my commitment issues," or "just how I am" reveals itself as adaptations—brilliant, creative survival strategies that served you well once but no longer fit your life.

You're not broken. You adapted to survive something difficult. And now, with support, you can learn new ways of being that serve you better.

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When You're Ready (And When You're Not)

Signs You're Ready for Trauma Therapy

• You recognise patterns in your life that keep repeating despite your best efforts
• You're willing to feel uncomfortable in service of change
• You have some stability in your life (housing, basic safety, etc.)
• You're open to the idea that your difficulties might be rooted in past experiences
• You're prepared to commit to regular sessions over an extended period
• You can tolerate (or are willing to learn to tolerate) difficult emotions

Signs You Might Not Be Ready (Yet)

• You're in active crisis with immediate safety concerns (this needs addressing first)
• You're deeply entrenched in active addiction (may need treatment first)
• You're being pressured into therapy by someone else but don't want it yourself
• You're seeking a quick fix or magic solution
• You're hoping the therapist will "fix" you without your active participation

Not being ready now doesn't mean never. Sometimes we need to address more immediate concerns before we're resourced enough for deeper trauma work. That's not failure—that's wisdom.

What If I'm Not Sure?

If you're uncertain, a consultation or initial assessment can help you and a therapist determine whether trauma-focused work is appropriate right now and what approach might serve you best.

I offer a free 15-minute introductory call where we can discuss what you're experiencing and whether trauma therapy might help. There's no pressure to commit—just an honest conversation about where you are and what might be useful.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Do I need to have been diagnosed with PTSD to benefit from trauma therapy?

No. Formal PTSD diagnosis requires specific criteria to be met, but many people who don't meet full diagnostic criteria still experience significant trauma symptoms. You don't need a diagnosis—you need support that addresses what you're actually experiencing. Trauma therapy can help anyone whose past experiences are affecting their present functioning, regardless of diagnostic labels.

Will I have to talk about the traumatic event in detail?

Not necessarily. Some trauma therapies involve detailed recounting of events, but many don't. The focus is on processing the emotional and physiological impacts rather than creating a perfect narrative of what happened. We work at your pace, and you're never forced to discuss anything you're not ready to address. Some people find talking helpful; others process trauma more through body-based work or other approaches.

I'm worried I won't be able to handle the emotions that come up.

This is a very common fear, and it's valid. However, part of trauma therapy is building your capacity to tolerate difficult emotions before diving into deep processing work. We develop a "window of tolerance"—expanding your ability to experience emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. A skilled trauma therapist won't push you beyond what you can handle and will help you develop grounding techniques for when things feel too intense.

How long will trauma therapy take?

This varies enormously based on the type and complexity of trauma, your current resources and support system, and your goals. Some people experience significant relief in 6-8 months; complex trauma often requires 1-2 years or longer. Progress happens throughout—it's not that nothing changes until you reach some finish line. Many clients notice meaningful improvements within the first few months, even though deeper work continues.

Can trauma therapy make things worse?

In the hands of an untrained or inappropriate therapist, yes—pushing too hard, too fast can retraumatise. This is why working with a properly trained, trauma-informed therapist matters. However, when done properly, trauma therapy is about pacing the work carefully so you're challenged but not overwhelmed. The initial intensification of symptoms I mentioned earlier is different from retraumatisation—it's a temporary response to engaging with material you've kept buried, and it settles as you process it.

I've tried therapy before and it didn't help. Will trauma therapy be different?

Possibly, yes. If your previous therapy wasn't specifically trauma-focused, the therapist may not have recognised or addressed the underlying trauma patterns. Many people have frustrating experiences with therapy that focuses on symptom management (e.g., techniques for managing anxiety) without addressing root causes. Trauma-informed therapy specifically targets the source rather than just the symptoms, which often leads to more sustainable change. That said, timing matters too—sometimes we're not ready for deeper work even when we want to be. What didn't work before might work now, or a different approach might be needed.

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The Freedom on the Other Side

Here's what men who've done this work tell me:

"I didn't realise how exhausting it was, being on guard all the time, until I wasn't anymore."

"My wife says I'm actually present now. I didn't know I wasn't before."

"I still have difficult days, but they don't flatten me like they used to. I have tools now."

"I thought I'd never be able to trust anyone. Turns out I just needed to learn how."

"The anger is still there sometimes, but it doesn't control me. I can feel it without becoming it."

This work doesn't erase your past. It doesn't make difficult experiences magically unhappen. What it does is break the grip those experiences have on your present.

You learn that you can feel things without being destroyed by them. That vulnerability doesn't equal weakness. That connection is possible. That you're not doomed to repeat the same patterns forever.

You reclaim your life from trauma's hold.

And that—that's worth the hard, slow work it takes to get there.

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Begin Your Healing Journey

Trauma therapy for men requires a therapist who understands how trauma manifests in men specifically, who won't rush the process, and who can hold space for whatever emerges—rage, grief, shame, or the terrifying vulnerability of hope.

I'm Annabel Kicks, a BACP-registered humanistic therapist specialising in trauma and PTSD. I work with men navigating the aftermath of adverse childhood experiences, complex trauma, and the "broken-record loops" that keep you stuck.

I offer both in-person sessions in Fulham, South West London (SW6) and online sessions via Google Meet for clients across the UK.

Take the first step: Book a free 15-minute introductory call to discuss whether trauma therapy might help. No pressure, no commitment—just an honest conversation about where you are and where you want to be.

Book Your Free Consultation | Learn About My Approach

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Sources & Research

• NHS Digital. (2024). Mental Health Services Monthly Statistics
• British Journal of Psychiatry. (2024). Gender differences in trauma presentation and treatment
• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books
• Felitti, V.J., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine
• Herman, J.L. (2015). Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books
• UK Trauma Council. (2024). Trauma-Informed Practice Guidelines
• BACP. Trauma: Information for clients
• Mind. (2024). Trauma